Self Portrait Tuesday-Damaged Goods

February's theme for Self Portrait Tuesday has been a difficult one for me. The theme is about looking deeper into yourself and embracing the not so pretty side or our not so perfect parts. I don't want to share my imperfections with close friends much less strangers on the internet. So, for most of the month I haven't posted anything on this theme.

Then last night I came up with the picture I wanted to use. It's a picture of an x-ray of my lungs after my injury. I think all of my friends and family members know my story and how my lungs became 'damaged goods.' But for those of you who might be browsing through, here is a one sentence synopsis: My lungs were burned when part of a ceiling/roof collapsed on me while I was fighting a fire. The damage is permanent and I can no longer fight fire.

So for me, these lungs symbolize everthing that is not pretty or perfect about me. Before these lungs were damaged I felt like I was capable of conquering the world, that I was beautiful and strong, and that my life was, well, pretty close to perfect. But when my world came crashing down on me on that fateful day, I felt like I lost it all. I couldn't exercise for a long time and I had to take high dose steroids to keep my lungs functioning. So I gained a lot of weight and I felt like I became ugly. I couldn't be a firefighter anymore because my lungs no longer functioned at a normal capacity. Any more exposures could cause my death. I no longer was strong or capable of 'saving the world.' These lungs became the bane of my existance.

For a long time I wallowed in my pain and in my circumstances and then I decided to do something about it. Since then, those lungs have been the reason I started an organization to help firefighters, they are the reason why I have become a fire chaplain, they are the reason I can comfort others who have been injured, they are one of the many reasons I am adopting a daughter from China. I worked hard to get off my medicines and to build my capacity. And today I am a lot better. I still haven't lost all of the weight I gained but I can walk and ride bikes and live my life. I lived, I did not die...these lungs, although damaged goods, survived a terrible injury and are allowing me to live the good life.