Thoughts About Adoption vs. Pregnancy and Waiting

There are so many of us in the China adoption circle that are so dissapointed with the news of only 5 days worth of dossiers being matched with children. I don't care what the excuse is, valid or not, this is agonizing news. We are left in limbo about when we can expect our child. Will the referral come in September or in January of 2007? Right now, we cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I thought we would once our paperwork went to China. Didn't see it, because I wanted our log in date. We got our LID and I thought I saw a glimmer of light and then today the news hit and now I am not so sure that was a glimmer that I saw. This whole process has felt like one step forward, two steps back. It seems that each time we check something off of the to do list, our child moves farther away. I can't tell you how agonizing this wait is. We are emotionally pregnant without a due date in site. Can you imagine telling a pregnant woman that she might be due at month 9 or hmmmmmmm maybe month 12 but the longest wait could be 15 months. That's us.

I watch my friends and family members get pregnant after we got our paperwork complete and expect their babies way before we will even get our referral and it's tough. They talk happily with those who have been in their shoes before...they talk about the doctors visit and the ultrasounds and the food cravings. When it comes to us, they don't know what to say or ask except, how is the adoption process going? They don't ask how we are feeling, what are we doing to prepare, what the process is like and what I am craving (which would be Easter candy right now, even though I am watching my calories.) It's hard not to be a part of that 'mommy crowd.' But my relief for that is I do have some friends that really care about this process and I have made new friends in the adoption community that are walking this journey with us. And I am so forever grateful for that.

What I can't stand now is that comment that I think every waiting family hears at least a zillion times when something goes wrong, 'God has the perfect baby for you and you will get her on His time.' Or my other favorite, 'You will forget all about the pain of waiting once you hold your baby in your arms.' At first I did take a little comfort in those words. I said them to myself. Then I realized that those words are actually more inflammatory than they are helpful. No one would ever say these things to someone who has miscarried why should they be said to us when we hear devestating news? I know that God has picked out our child for us, but that doesn't make me want to rush over to China and just hold her any less. It makes me want her more, but when will that be? When is it our turn?

The other adage that I keep hearing on message boards is that we just need to keep ourselves busy during the wait. Are you freaking kidding me??? What am I doing, sitting in front of the TV all day eating bon bons and crying about my referral? I have a full and busy life right now as it is. I am busy with running a company, being a chaplain, being a wife, and being a friend. I travel and I teach. I scrapbook and I sew. I have tons on my plate thank you very much. I just can't be busy with the baby stuff until we are a little closer to our referral. I will stay extra busy buying clothes now. I think I will start ASAP.

So today has been a bad day for me and for many, many other waiting parents. Of course mine isn't great because I have been stuck on the couch watching Little House on the Prairie because of my knee. I have been stuffing my face with Peeps and that is some comfort. If I could just get a hold of a Cadbury egg, I would be excited.

Please don't feel bad if you have said the above things to us. At one point in time it did help. I guess we are finally get to the part of the wait where it hurts more than it helps. I just wanted to share our honest thoughts.